May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
