Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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