I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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