my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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