Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
