thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
