I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize