I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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