I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
