her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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