just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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