Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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