I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
this hospital has no fireball
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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