You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
