even my farts smell like vagina
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
