I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
