we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We just shotgunned beers for America
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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