you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I have fence marks all over my body
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
