He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
