you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize