She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
