I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
