guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
