We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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