I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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