i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize