Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
