She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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