My room smells like vodka and shame
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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