What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Randomize
