One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
