I cannot find my penis.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize