I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize