She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
