but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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