Your mouth is God's brothel.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
