he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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