Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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