Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
