george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize