I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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