Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
