Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
