she looked like the before picture.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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