ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize