i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
