The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We left the knife in your bed.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
