i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize