haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize