I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
