Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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