Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
