Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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