How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
