Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
