do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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